Phrasing can be as Important as the Question

My five and four year olds have been running through the house with their race cars recently shouting, “Rampage!” It’s been consistent enough, and loud enough, both Ben and I have been wondering where it came from. Ben recalled it as a quote from a TV show, but not one for kids, so it obviously wasn’t that. He asked them, “Where is the whole ‘Rampage!’ thing from?” They both blankly looked back, unable to tell him. Ben was telling me about this and I asked if he had tried phrasing the question differently. “Which character says it?” or “What was happening in the show or book when you heard it?” Eventually we settled on the recent race car show after trying a few different questions to help jog their memories.

This whole experience got me thinking about the importance of how we phrase questions. We’ve all had a hard time accessing a memory until someone says just the right phrase, we smell the right smell, or are able to back track through a series of memories to get to the one we want. It’s like getting the right key in the lock, once we get the right key the memory opens. It doesn’t matter how we got there, just that it makes sense in our mind.

I experience this same kind of thing when doing math with my kids, especially when they are first learning the basics of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. 8+4 can be looked at a few ways. You can start at 8 and count up 4. You can start at 4 and count up 8. You can borrow 2 from the 4 to get to 10, then add the extra 2 that are left. 8×4 is 4 8’s, or 8 4’s, or it’s 8×2 twice, 4×4 twice, etc. No matter how we get there, 8+4 =12 and 8×4 = 32. I’ve learned that each kid has their own preferences for how to break down numbers and put them back together again. It’s important to learn all the ways of course, but it’s also good to learn that this one prefers doubling while another prefers counting up or back, etc.

This is also a great way to think about the different spiritualities and movements in the Church. All the spiritualities of the Church have the same goal – holiness and intimacy with Christ. But how they get there is different, and that’s great! Let’s look at a few (there are so very many, it would be quite challenging to list them all) and see the wonderful diversity open to our spiritual journeys.

Focolare

You had to know I’d start with the Focolare. This is the lay ecclesial movement our family is a part of. In the spirituality of the Focolare, the main focus is unity. The way unity is achieved is by following the two Great Commandments of Jesus – love of God and love of neighbor. Unity can be achieved when we recognize in every person we meet Jesus alive and present before us. In this way, we can go to God together, two (or more) people loving to their fullest capability Jesus in the other person. We become a participation in the life of the Trinity: God, myself, and the person I love.

Benedictine

One of the earliest formal spiritualities in the Church is the Benedictine Order. Founded by St. Benedict in the early 500s A.D., the Benedictines follow the Rule of St. Benedict, the first of its kind. Benedictine spirituality places great emphasis on balance in life, especially between work and prayer. The community of monks come together at regular intervals throughout the day to pray, and then go out into the community (or elsewhere in the monastery) to work and serve in all areas of life. Benedictine spirituality is therefore deeply communal. Rather than moving from place to place, Benedict wished, as much as possible, for the members of the order to remain stable so they could fully invest in their community.

Franciscan

The Franciscan spirituality was founded by St. Francis of Assisi and is one of the largest religious communities, present in nearly every country across the world. Franciscan spirituality highlights both deep contemplation as well as intentional action with special focus on evangelical poverty and care of creation. For St. Francis, and by extension St. Clare who helped found the Poor Clares, the women’s branch of the Franciscan order, all of creation is an opportunity to witness and participate in the goodness of God. This included everything from beautiful sunsets to worms and dirt, from the immense joy of a newborn baby to the suffering and sorrow of a painful death.

Carmelites

Carmelites have a fascinating history as there is no single person we can trace as their founder. The Carmel refers to Mt. Carmel where the prophet Elijah settled, as we can read about in 1 Kings. In 1155 we find the first recorded references to hermit monks living in the caves on Mt. Carmel, dedicating themselves to penance and prayer. They built a church and in the 1200s St. Albert of Jerusalem wrote a Rule for them to follow. The goal of the rule was for the hermit monks to live with greater intensity their faith through lives dedicated to prayer, silence, and solitude. Today, Carmelites continue in this tradition. While many Carmels are cloistered, there are some active communities that live and work within the wider community. Carmelites strive for intimacy with God, recognizing the incredible gift of God’s entrance into human history in the Incarnation. This intimacy is especially sought after in contemplation, stillness, and solitude.


I could, of course, go on and on. There are so many beautiful spiritualities in the Church that offer unique and practical ways of journeying through this life towards heaven. There are the Marianists, the order who ran my college and sparked my interest in the importance of community. The Lasallian priests and brothers founded my high school and impressed upon me the importance of a Catholic education where all the subjects can be connected, faith interwoven even in math. There is the Institute of the Blessed Virgin Mary, an old order founded in 1609 during the height of the Protestant Reformation in England by a woman, Mary Ward, who wished for her companions to be uncloistered – a revolution within a revolution and a fascinating study (as I did in my undergraduate thesis). There are the Dominicans, the preaching order, the Jesuits (Pope Francis!), the Augustinians (Pope Leo!), and so very many, many more.

I hope that this post has inspired you to consider learning more about one or two of these spiritualities. Look around your local community. Do you have a monastery nearby, a cloister? Does your parish or diocese have a certain spirituality that meets regularly? Is your parish or one in your area run by an ordered priest? What about the local Catholic schools or universities?

No matter the spirituality, the goal of them all is to bring us closer to Jesus. I heard it explained like this once. The whole of the Gospels brings us to Jesus. But, we read them usually in short snippets, focusing on one or two aspects of Jesus at a time. Just as the smallest particle of Eucharist is still the whole Eucharist, so too these shorter sections still contain all of Jesus. So perhaps I read about one of the healing miracles and feel drawn to a spirituality that has special focus on healthcare, poverty, and service. Someone else may read about Jesus moving away from the crowd to spend time in silence and prayer and feel called to a contemplative life, one that focuses on intense prayer for the whole world and a life detached from the things of the world. Another could read the Sermon on the Mount and be drawn to a life of teaching and preaching, dedicating themselves to the spiritual works of mercy such as “instruct the ignorant,” “counsel the doubtful,” and “admonish the sinner.” Each of these biblical moments tells us something about Jesus and is a way to be close to Jesus. Isn’t it wonderful that Jesus, in his humanity, shows us such a myriad of ways to follow after him!

Daily Graces. kktaliaferro.wordpress.com

Plans for Lent + Hallow Review

As is typical for this time of year, it’s good to share about what some of my plans are for Lent. Not only will this help keep me accountable to them, but I have found a good many ideas for how to observe the season by hearing how others plan to pray, fast, and give alms.

Screens

I’m on the fence about this first one, which probably means it would be a good idea to give it a shot. In a Focolare women’s group meeting last month, we were talking about communication and especially social media use. A few ideas were shared about how to make our phones less attractive and it was a really interesting conversation. Our phones are brightly colored and everything about them is designed to make them appealing. The apps we engage with utilize all kinds of methods that foster addictive behaviors, consistently and constantly drawing us back to their content. While I know giving up social media or a specific app is a popular Lenten observance, there were a few other ideas shared that I’m considering.

  • Turn your phone to black and white mode. Our brains are wired to be attracted to bright colors. I know for me, I don’t even read the names under the app icons, I’m looking for the picture or color associated with the app. So, if we turn off the colors, we will have to be more intentional in order to even find what we are looking for. Then, once we are in the app, it’s actually rather dull. The same exact content we looked at the day before is less catchy, less interesting, less “scroll worthy.”
  • Turn off all (or nearly all) notifications. Do I really need to know when someone posts on Instagram? What about the little red numbers that show something is waiting for me on Facebook?
  • Removing the social media apps. This doesn’t mean necessarily taking a break from them, just making it harder to get to because of the extra steps required to get there. So, I would only access them through a web browser. Or, even further, I only access them on my computer, not on my phone.

Hallow

I am very excited for this one. I am going to be participating in the Pray40 challenge for adults on the Hallow app. I have not been disappointed by this program yet so I am confident this year will be another good one. In the past, I have tried to listen in the mornings when I’m getting ready for the day. The challenge this year will be timing, because I am already listening (also on Hallow) to a daily Gospel reflection that is usually about 10 minutes. Perfect for my typical morning routine. In past years, I’ve replaced this Gospel reflection time with the Pray40 content. However, I would very much like to continue with the Gospel reflections in addition to the Pray40 experience. So, it’s going to take some trial and error to see when will be the best time to listen consistently.

In addition to the Pray40 challenge, Hallow is going to be offering a kids’ Lenten content journey. They are calling it “The Little Way” and I’m very excited about it. Hallow actually reached out to me and asked if I would offer a review of the content which got me even more excited for it.

This series is going to be more than a series of prayers. The kids will be journeying along with Paul and Mia Buckley, two kids who are on a trip through France. We are going to get to experience their story while also meeting some pretty fabulous saints, hearing vocation stories, Sunday homilies, even a few family games. Of course, there are also going to be opportunities for prayer and reflection throughout the 40 days of Lent. 

The Saints Alive podcast, the creators of The Little Way, provide truly immersive and thoughtful podcast episodes exploring the lives of the saints. Complete with a multitude of voices, sound effects, surprises, and applications for little lives, our family enjoys these episodes so much. I was very excited to hear that they were behind this new initiative of Hallow’s. 

Disclaimer: It is important to remember that this experience, as well as Hallow’s Pray40 Lenten reflections for adults, are part of their premium content and are not available on the free version of the app.

The Plan

I know, you’re probably wondering where on earth we are going to find time to add this to our schedule. However, I have a plan. I recently saw on Corda Candle’s website a package of Lent-focused candles which I was delighted to find (Corda did not request this review or mention, I just love their candles and these are going to fit so well with my Lenten plans). I don’t know about your kids, but mine find candles fascinating. It draws everyone in, even for a few minutes, and can really help focus a few minutes of quiet. As an added bonus, these candles are beautifully scented. We had one that we used for our prayer time over the Christmas season and not a day went by that we forgot because everyone loved the smell and looked forward to lighting it. I am hoping for a repeat experience.

My plan is to light one of the candles in the middle of the table, and then we will listen to our episode during lunchtime. My kids usually read during lunch because they can’t seem to survive without a book in front of them. With this plan, we are going to offer the sacrifice of a few minutes of free reading time to listen together. 

Fasting

The past few years now I’ve chosen to do a full fast on all of the Fridays during Lent, not only on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. I’m thinking I’ll do this again, though I’m praying about my motivation for doing it. It isn’t easy to be sure, but it is familiar. Am I choosing this fast because of its familiarity, like someone who habitually gives up chocolate because it’s just what they do without much thought put into why, or because I’m avoiding considering alternatives God could be calling me to? I have some time yet to discover the answer.

These are some of my ideas for Lent this year. What will you be doing? I hope that you discover the practices God is calling you to work with this Lent that will draw you closer to His merciful love.

Daily Graces. kktaliaferro.wordpress.com

Habits – Twenty-fourth Sunday in Ordinary Time

On this week’s video, I talk about how Jesus is teaching His disciples that forgiveness is more than an action, it is a habit. If you were to do something 77 times, you would be well on your way to forming a habit. Jesus’ use of the the double 7 in 77 is symbolic as well as practical. 7 is a perfect number in the biblical sense (think the 7 days of creation) and the repetitive use here can indicate a certain abundance of the ideal. The commentary given by the USCCB website offers this beautiful phase, “limitless forgiveness.” What a world we could create if we each had a habit of limitless forgiveness.

In raising my children and getting to know each of them as unique individuals, I’ve come to discover that everyone comes into their habits differently. What works for one kid doesn’t always work for another. I have always known our oldest tends to learn one thing at a time well. He was like that even as a baby, I may have even shared this here before so excuse the repetitive story. It felt like it took John forever to walk, he actually didn’t let go of furniture until after his sister was born. He got everywhere he wanted to go by holding hands, cruising along the couches and chairs, or by pushing a laundry basket. But, once he decided he was ready to let go, he could run across the room without falling. The same story goes for talking. Hardly any words and then full sentences in a matter of weeks.

John is 12 now and we are working on building good habits that he can carry into adulthood. There are so many things I would like to teach him, to help him understand that life would be so much easier if just remembered his chores instead of me pestering him about them. There are even a few habits I thought we had down already, only to discover this new pre-teen lackadaisical attitude toward things like brushed teeth and listening skills really need to be recalled ASAP. I’m sure I’m not the only parent with these kinds of feelings.

As I think back on how John has grown, it should not be surprising to me that when I try to force a number of new habits on him at once, it isn’t going to go well. However, encouraging him to focus on one thing at a time, here we make some real progress. As his mom, I then have the opportunity to praise him for those efforts in this one specific area and really build him up in his ability to grow and mature while transitioning to the next good habit he needs in order to thrive as a teen and adult. Small success, small steps in the overall direction forward. It is also encouraging him to learn more about himself and how he best learns and grows which will ultimately help him in his relationships throughout life.

Turning the tables, I have been pondering how I best instill a new habit in myself. I’ve come up with a few criteria that need to be in place before a new habit can be formed. Perhaps my list will inspire you as well.

  • Empty space – if I’m trying to squeeze in a new habit, you can bet it’s going to be squeezed right out of my life. I need time and space to dedicate to the new habit.
  • Consistency – if it’s not scheduled, it’s probably not going to happen. A habit doesn’t need to be a daily thing, but each person has some kind of limit for how far between occurrences the practice needs to happen (perhaps there’s science on this out there). If I’m not practicing my new habit at least once weekly, it’s probably not going to stick. Even then, I’ll need to be careful because I’ll forget one week and then by the 4th I’ll recall I had a habit I was trying to cultivate and have since left behind.
  • Has a home or place – In bible study today (hooray, Walking With Purpose is at our new parish!), a participant shared about how if she doesn’t leave her meditation books out by her coffee cup in the evening she will forget to read them with her coffee in the morning. This is so me. Out of sight, out of mind completely describes how habits can get lost, whether on purpose or not.

What about habits like Jesus is talking about, the inner, intangible habits. Things like forgiveness, patience, empathy, silence, joy. These are a harder, as they happen at random, aren’t usually tied to physical objects, and can take any number of minutes or hours to fully process. Here are some suggestions:

  • Pray for the grace to grow in your habit. But be careful, as most older grandmas will tell you, if you pray for patience you will be gifted a whole host of opportunities to practice the virtue.
  • Ask the Holy Spirit to inspire the habit in you during specific situations. We can’t always anticipate when we will need empathy or courage. But, there are definitely situations in your life where you have an inkling ahead of time what type of inner habit you will need. Take the time before embarking into that situation to ask the Holy Spirit to pour His eternal gifts out on you that you need for that specific moment.
  • Keep a gratitude journal. Cultivating a spirit of gratitude is an excellent way to grow in thankfulness. It also encourages you to review your day, which then draws your attention to the times things went well and when they didn’t. This survey of the day or week can highlight the times you practiced one of these inner habits well, or where you need to grow.
Daily Graces. kktaliaferro.wordpress.com